During the past year, my Silicon Valley inventor-friend
twice had demonstrated the efficacy of his amazing "B.S. Away!"* spray. He
spritzed it on newspaper stories, television monitors, government press
conferences -- and, voila!, the inner truth emerged.
This week, he upped the ante, with a new, longer-acting version of the
I can't reveal how he accomplished it or who the mole was in the
Administration that made it happen, but somehow he gained access to the
lectern from which Bush will deliver his Inaugural Address. "B.S. Away!" was
misted profusely on the lecture, and on the teleprompters. This is what the
nation will hear him say after he's sworn in for his second term:
My fellow Americans. I can't describe what I feel in my heart at your trust
in giving me another term to serve as your president. This could be a
turning point in American history: four more years to complete a radical
conservative restructuring of American society, similar to how FDR moved
America to the left in the '30s.
So, I thank you, the voters. But it wasn't just you; Karl Rove and Kenny
Blackwell -- and key corporate friends -- had a lot to do with my standing
You know the old saying about being able to fool all the people some of the
time. That was our election strategy. Karl's a genius at working that game:
Even though most of the American people were ready to blame me for the
disastrous war in Iraq and the sputtering economy, they voted for me anyway
because we scared them into thinking the other guys were worse than we are.
We never let up on our buzzwords -- gay marriage, 9/11, terrorists,
abortion, evolution, gay marriage, Bill&Hillary, 9/11, Saddam, Swift Boat
vets, gay marriage, 9/11; all we had to do was pound on those and our
electoral base, led by my evangelical friends, came out to vote with a
WE HAFF OUR VAYS
Of course, the other side mobilized big-time as well, but we had ways to
minimize their influence, especially those voters not of the white
persuasion: we purged thousands from key state voting rolls; made 'em stand
for hours and hours in the cold and rain at precincts that had just a few
machines (a lot of those voters gave up and headed off to work); intimidated
them by saying we'd challenge their right to vote if they showed up, or told
them that if they had any unpaid parking tickets they'd be arrested; or, my
two favorites: our side handed out fliers telling them that the election was
on Wednesday Nov. 3rd, and destroyed their new-voter registration forms so
they were not on the precinct lists. Then they were denied Provisional
Ballots. Way to go, Kenny!
I'm not even going to get into what we may or may not have happened when the
votes were counted. Let's just say that there are ways that lead to happy
results, even when your opponent is way ahead in the early exit polls.
In any event, I'm still here, and I didn't even have to count on my Supreme
Court buds to install me into the White House this time. I'm legitimate now.
Even got me a mandate. Well, yeah, the victory was razor thin -- half of the
country voted for the other guy -- but it's a victory, and that's my
mandate. I've got "political capital" to spend -- love that phrase, Karl! --
and, believe me, I'm going to spend it and flush those liberals and their
programs and their party down the toilet.
By the time we finish with them, there will be no Opposition worth
mentioning. I always said it would be easier to rule in a dictatorship. You
vill now click heels, ja?
IT WORKED FOR IRAQ WAR, SO WHY NOT?
We're going to keep dismantling the Democrat social programs by slicing away
at their sources of funds. We don't have to go out there and admit that we
want to get rid of entitlement programs such as Social Security. We just
start to "privatize" it so that it withers away on its own.
It's a win win win: Young workers believe they'll do much better by
investing in the stock market (of course, we won't tell them that the market
could precipitously decline at any point), which takes funds out of the
system, so those old folks remaining will get less money somewhere down the
road. Or, if the Democrats ever were to regain power, they'd have to be the
ones to raise taxes to fully fund those benefits. Either way, as those
scaredy-cat senior citizens die off, Social Security will simply fade away.
In the meantime, our Wall Street friends will make out like bandits at all
the young-investor business coming their way, and they'll line our GOP
coffers with steady donations. Win win win. Jeb'll love it.
Since fear helped convince the country to go to war in Iraq, we'll just keep
pounding, with a few word changes, a similar drum with Social Security:
"There's an imminent threat to the longterm health of Social Security, a
CRISIS, we've got to do something now. Can't wait. We need to move NOW,
before the mushroom cloud of insolvency destroys it. No more studies, no
more independent inspectors, no more debate -- get in line and vote NOW to
start privatizing this system." That should do it.
In addition, we'll keep hammering away at the "greedy" trial lawyers, suing
doctors and HMOs and other giant corporations for huge damage awards. We'll
cap the amount they can get from juries, and our corporate insurance and
corporate friends will express their gratitude to us appropriately. This
approach worked for our Medicare Drug-Discount program, where the
pharmaceutical companies -- which raised the price of their drugs, then
offered a slight discount -- are happy. But, unfortunately, the seniors saw
through our scheme and aren't playing. We'll crank up the P.R. and somehow
tie the discount program more tightly into their Medicare coverage. That
should take care of 'em.
PACKING THE COURTS
We're going to continue crashing our battering ram through the doors of
Congress until they OK the federal judges we want. Sure, the Democrat party
kept our most extremist nominees from getting approved in earlier votes, but
we'll just keep coming back at them until they holler uncle. And, if we have
to, we'll eliminate the filibuster as a weapon and ram those nominations
down their throats. We're thinking long-range here: Got to place enough of
our ideological friends into the appeals courts all over the country, so
they'll be in those lifetime jobs for decades and decades, even if somehow
the Dems were to get back in charge. Eat your heart out, Teddy!
And we're solidifying our hold on power by getting Alberto Gonzales into
Ashcroft's job. Sure, the liberals are crying foul; they can't attack ME on
the torture/dictatorship issues, so they're taking out their anger on poor
Alberto, who was only following orders in writing those memos permitting us
to torture the terrorist bad guys, and providing me legal cover to rule
however I wish as "commander in chief" in "wartime."
The Dems are such wussies, they'll just make some noise about Gonzales and
then vote to approve him -- even though he never disavowed the original
philosophy behind those memos! Then, they'll yowl later, as they did with
Ashcroft, about how they made a mistake in voting to approve his nomination.
Those guys never learn and so we walk all over them. It's so much fun
watching them squirm, having no earthly idea how to fight us.
(Perfect example: In any other country, Rumsfeld would have been fired or
resigned long ago. But the Dems just like to make noise with no
follow-through. Of course, it helps to have the mass-media in our pocket.)
And then we're putting Mike Chertoff in place at Homeland Security. The Dems
could have blackmailed Bernie Kerik twelve ways to Sunday, he was so dirty,
but Chertoff, who's a real hard-ass -- he helped us put together the most
controversial aspects of the Patriot Act, for example -- will get confirmed
because he doesn't have any sex scandals in his dossier. Is America great or
WE DON'T DO MISTAKES
Now we get to the bad news. Iraq is falling apart. I keep the spin spinning:
that all is going well and the elections there will stabilize the situation.
But everyone from generals to GOP leaders to the CIA to my dad's most
prestigious advisors is telling me that Iraq is a thorough disaster and we'd
better get out sooner rather than later.
But if I were to agree to that way of thinking, I'd be admitting that we've
made major mistakes in our war-policy, and that we don't and won't do. Our
aims are lofty and good, to bring democracy to Iraq and the general Middle
East, so that America and our corporate friends can continue to control the
region and keep all that oil and gas in the right hands, and to ensure that
Israel exists as a firm ally against Islamic extremism.
Yeah, I can't avoid hearing the Democrat drumbeat that the way we and Israel
behave and treat the ragheads increases terrorism against us. But, let's
admit it, terrorism is what keeps us in power. We can manage those guys. The
American people, properly frightened, are quite happy to let us continue to
initiate these wars abroad, so that "we won't have to fight them in this
country." Abroad: torture, massive civilian deaths and casualties; at home:
slicing away at the Constitution and our citizens' freedoms. Americans have
come to accept that's just the price they have to pay to keep us all safe.
I'm not about to tell them differently.
I'M A LAME DUCK -- SO WHAT?
So, my fellow Americans, ask not what I can do for you; ask what you'd
better do for me. God chose me, and the righteous among you know that. The
rest of you are going to hell.
This is my lame-duck term, and I don't really care if half of you prefer
someone else. I'm the one in charge. I'm revving up the engine of control
and power. The New Deal and Great Society programs are going to feel the
wrecking ball of our ideological wrath. Those opposing us in the world
better get out of our way, or risk a great smiting.
I'm here, I'm dear, and I'm not going anywhere for four more years. Get used
Thank you, and God bless America.
*For more examples, see
"B.S. Away!" -- The
Miracle Truth Spray", and
"Up, Up and