Rove's Diary: Just Try to Stop Me, Coppers!
By Bernard Weiner
Co-Editor, The Crisis Papers
August 7, 2007
For many months, I've felt like the little silver ball in a pinball
machine, getting banged around this way and that, about to fall into a
dark hole. My subpoena, the U.S. Attorneys scandal, our political
briefings at Justice and so on -- they almost had me cornered. But today
I feel like the pinball machine, back in control of all the levers and
I had just about run out of fresh ideas for how we can hang on through
January 2009. And then it hit me: Who needs fresh ideas when our old
tried-and-true formula can still be made to work? You want me, coppers? --
just try to come get me. It's you who will suffer; we're steaming ahead,
get out of our way -- or else.
Since the Democrats don't have the balls to impeach us, or cut off
funding for the Iraq War, that means they're still scared and therefore
easily rollable. They're terrified of what we would do to them in the
2008 election ("unpatriotic," "soft on terrorism") if they challenged us
frontally like that.
Of course, we're going to do that to them anyway, but they don't see
that, or don't want to see. What I can tell is that, even in the
majority now, they're still frightened little puppydogs who can be
counted on to back down when it really counts -- especially on the war
and on expanding our domestic police powers.
Impeachment "off the table"? Thank you, Madame Speaker. You've just let
us pass Go as often as we like, collect the $200 each time, and hang
onto a permanent Get Out of Jail card. Thank God! Even just the
existence of an impeachment panel -- since it's pretty certain the
Senate would not convict -- would derail many of our initiatives,
forcing us to devote most of our time and energy on playing defense, not
our strongest suit.
THE DEMOCRATS CAVE AGAIN, HURRAH
Who would of thunk it last week? First the Dem senators rough up "Fredo"
in their hearings, calling him unqualified and a liar, and then a few
days later OK more domestic spying with Gonzales in ultimate charge. I
And the Dems in the House likewise. They kicked and screamed about Gonzo
being in charge and the civil liberties aspects of the bill, but enough
of them went along anyway, pretending no major damage done since the
bill will be re-examined in six months. Ha.
They wanted to get home to their states and districts for a month's
vacation and some electioneering, and they figure they've inoculated
themselves on the "patriotic" issue for the 2008 election. Boy, have
they got another thing coming.
I DON'T HAVE TO SHOW YOU NO STINKIN' RULES
It's as true now as it was six years ago when we invented our approach:
The Dems are clueless about how to stop us. They're used to playing by
the rules, getting along to go along, compromising to get things done,
democratic niceties, etc. But we don't operate that way. That way lies
namby-pamby, always worrying about who not to offend. You think like
that and your agenda gets bogged down in the reality-world.
It's much more effective to rev up the old rammer, hit 'em and hit 'em
hard, grab what we can get, full-scale smashmouth politics, call their
bluff, demonize them, cut 'em off at the knees, rub their noses in their
powerlessness, find their weak points and go for the jugular, take their
strong points and demolish them. You'd think after six years, the
hapless Dems would have figured all this out by now, but they still
stand there like deer in the middle of the road, mesmerized by the
headlights of our power and ruthlessness. God, I love this job!
On the other hand, it's possible that the Dems have figured out our
approach, but they're just total wusses. "Oh, please don't hit me again,
Mr. Rove. Ouch! Oh, please don't hit me again. Ouch! I promise we'll be
good little boys and girls. Ouch! We're in the majority now, so if you
do that one more time, we'll, we'll, we'll...do something. Ouch! Oh,
please don't hit me again." Etc. Etc. It's wackamole time!
Of course, our enemies are just itching to get me. Their proxy on the
white horse, Patrick Fitzgerald, thought he might be able to put the
political noose around my neck, but I played the Plame game with
finesse, "corrected" my testimony and all he had left was poor little
Scooter. The jury convicted him, but we took care to make sure Scooter
would never feel tempted to talk to get out of prison. Of course, the
Dems howled like banshees about Bush's commutation of his sentence but
(surprise!) took no retribution and quickly moved on to the next topic.
The Dems thought they'd found some traction in the U.S. Attorneys
scandal and our partisan briefings in the various government
departments, but they couldn't pin us down in testimony with any
actionable lies, so we got off there, too. Of course, I and the other
key players won't testify -- "executive privilege" is a handy little
escape-hatch, ain't it? -- and the Dems can issue all the "contempt of
Congress" citations they want, but they won't get me, or us. Our hold on
the U.S. Attorneys and on the courts -- and Bush's pardon power -- will
make sure of that.
FREE TO ROAM UNTIL 2009
In short, we're good to go for another 16 months. And, if things somehow
go spinning out of control and it looks like we may be facing political
or criminal jeopardy or a landslide defeat of the GOP at the polls, some
"imminent" act of terror might "require" us to declare martial law,
postpone the election, and rule by decree for awhile. Let them suck on
We'll wrap ourselves in the old red, white & blue and control the
scenario where we are the only force standing between the American
people and bloodthirsty terrorists. The confused, frightened populace,
at least enough of them, will come to believe that we are protecting
them and let us do what we want. Those who cause trouble and interfere
with our rule will be dealt with; a few symbolic radicals thrown into
prison would probably get the message across effectively. But who for
starters? Michael Moore? Cindy Sheehan? Joe Wilson? If it was up to me
(and guess what? it IS!), I'd opt for that trifecta as appetizers.
But I don't think we'll really have to go the marital-law route. Even
though California is quickly moving in the direction of requiring
verified paper ballots for the 2008 election, and a few other states may
follow suit, our friends still control most of the computer-tabulating
of the votes, regardless of how the ballots are cast. And we still can
have tens and hundreds of thousands of likely Dem voters purged from the
rolls in competitive districts.
With most of our fundamentalist base firmly in place, and with our
various election maneuvers, and with fear still operative in the
population, it's possible that we can manage to regain either the House
or the Senate. And, if the Dems swallow the bait and choose Hillary as
our opponent, we could conceivably hold onto the Presidency as well.
It's a long shot, diary, I grant you -- especially because a lot of
name-Republicans have abandoned the GOP ship in the face of popular
revulsion against our administration -- but the Boy Genius loves a
challenge. I will bring enough GOP faithful back into the fold to eke
out a victory for our side. The new Republican President will pardon all
of us -- in order to "move the country" forward, away from tit-for-tat
"partisan wrangling" -- and the people, so tired of all the bickering
and sniping, will buy it.
THE FLY IN THE OINTMENT
The one thing that could go wrong is Iraq. Even though we can assert
that the war on the ground is easing up in certain areas where we've
front-loaded American troops, the political civil war is spinning out of
control, and the reconstruction projects are a disaster, with hardly any
water or electricity getting to the people. This is dangerous news for
We'll probably have to engineer a replacement for al-Maliki, who is to
governance what a fish is to a bicycle. Petraeus, who is dependent on
our favors, will give us six more months after September -- he'll report
that there is some good "progress" on the ground and the new Iraqi
government "deserves a chance" to succeed -- and we'll try to get six or
eight more months after that to take us through the election campaign.
Petraeus then can join al-Maliki among the fall-guys when the war is
lost. Joining the scapegoat list will be the Democrats, of course, who
didn't "support the troops" and thus stabbed our war effort in the back.
Certainly, we in the Bush Administration are not going to be caught
anywhere near that humiliating defeat.
Domestically, we'll consolidate our power base inside the government and
take care of our enemies outside, if you get my drift. The Dems
certainly have helped give us the enormous police powers that make our
job such fun. We're always two steps ahead of them, and, surprisingly,
they haven't put two and two together as to why we always know how to
block their next move.
Gotta run. I'm rehearsing another rap number for a You Tube ad against
the Democrats. It's called "Lie Back and Enjoy It, Bee-itch."
Copyright 2007, by Bernard Weiner
Bernard Weiner, Ph.D., has taught
government & international relations at universities in California and
Washington, worked as a writer/editor at the San Francisco Chronicle for two
decades, and currently serves as co-editor of The Crisis Papers (www.crisispapers.org).
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